For the last seven years, I have been a vegetarian of a fairly strict order. I eat the dairy and the cheese, which I enjoy almost as much as I enjoy the use of the superfluous article, but I do not eat the gelatin. (Alright, it is the time for the superfluous article use to end.)

Now, this often inspires a murmur in those who are in the know, because gelatin is in a lot of stuff. It is, I must say, a handy thing. It gives stock its “mouth feel,” it makes pannacotta gel (apparently, the gelatin in pannacotta is traditional taken from sturgeon bladder. Let’s just pause for an “ew.”), and it shows up in loads of other foodstuffs and general products that need binding. To wit:

• Pop Tarts
• Film
• Gel capsules wrapped lovingly by drug elves around pharmaceuticals
• Vitamins (often found as some sort of binder or vegetarian deterrent…the Flintstones have a decidedly anti-vegetarian agenda)
• Starbursts
• Marshmallows
• And, most importantly, rice krispie treats.

Gelatin is also made of cow elbows. Well, more correctly, it is typically made from the connective tissue of animals.

Which means that for seven years, I have been without rice krispie treats. It is my own private hell. Seemingly apocryphal rumors of kosher marshmallows loomed every now and then, but saw no fruition. Even the web yielded no good answers. But those days are past – for I am bringing together all of the veggie/vegetarian/vegan marshmallow and rice krispie treat knowledge Colleen and I have accumulated to bear by making sure that any google search for veggie marshmallows or veggie rice krispie treats points here.

Yes, friends, we have the answers. A few years ago, Colleen made some marshmallows from scratch. I pouted and ranted about cow elbows, and she offered to make me veggie marshmallows. I admit, I was less interested in the marshmallows than I was in making rice krispie treats from them. We acquired some agar from the hippie co-op just up the street from her apartment (we were all living in Takoma Park, hippieville USA, at the time) and tried to make marshmallows.

We failed, and Colleen dubbed the result “ass-mallows.” Aptly.


Leads have come and gone, but in the last few weeks, all our trails heated up, and the clues gelled (ahem) and we had a target. Colleen found out that modern kosher marshmallows are largely made from fish gelatin these days, which hews to kashrut and apparently represents a major technological leap forward for kosher marshmallowdom. However, there is kosher gelatin that is still vegan.

One particular brand name is kojel and it’s diet unflavored seemed like just the thing for our project. Except we actually ended up using a different brand. Point being, there was even a recipe for rice krispie treats.

A co-worker (thanks, Carol) had pointed me to Pangea, whose site not only had the kojel and the recipe, but even actual, factual vegan marshmallows. We’d truly hit the motherlode.

Unfortunately, the motherlode also included irregular vegan marshmallows, which are cheaper but sound gross (a wetter consistency? Let’s just pause for another “ew”). Um, we’re still buying some anyway, as cheap outweighs gross.


Colleen ventured over this Saturday, and we begin the last great experiment. No, not democracy. But close, for as Lincoln once called the still-fragile Union, I now declare that vegetarian rice krispie treats are the last, best hope of earth. Yes, friends, we sought to make vegetarian marshmallows.

Which turned out to be vegan. If you can find sugar that isn’t processed with bone-char. Or non-picky vegans. (Bone-char-free sugar it is!)

Anyway.

The Mallow Project

While the marshmallow-project failed miserably, we gleaned much knowledge. The first batch, in which the gelatin was bloomed in cold water, and a syrup made of corn syrup, sugar, water, and salt was boiled for one minute, failed to turn white and triple in volume despite a solid 20 minutes of work with the electric hand mixer.

Our second batch, the plan for which mirrored the kojel rice krispie treat recipe up until after the goo was beaten, also failed, despite boiling the gelatin and taking the syrup to “firm ball stage” or roughly 244 degrees fahrenheit. It did turn white, though, and then actually spooked us the hell out. Let’s take a look:

Ok, so far so good. Let’s mix!

Not bad, not bad. And that’s when it begin to climb the beaters:

The horror started when, with a sound effect straight from Ghostbusters, the gyrating ass of the Stay-Puft marshmallow man emerged. (8MB quicktime movie)

Be thankful my camera doesn’t record sound.


After all that, the mixture still didn’t triple in volume. We decided to try making rice krispie treats anyway. All you need is the Stay-Puft no-longer-gyrating mixture, 3 tablespoons of butter (if you want it veggie) or margarine (if you want it vegan and can get them to shut up and swallow some transfats). And some vanilla.

Unfortunately, the kojel recipe went a little overboard, calling for 2 tablespoons of vanilla extract:

I wouldn’t do that, if I were you. I’ve tasted whiskey that had less alcohol than one of these rice krispie squares. Also, it made the mixture all brown and gross-looking.


Once that’s all melted and well-mixed, it’s a simple matter of mixing in the rice krispies and spatula-ing them into a buttered pan.

Colleen was jealous that the Stay-Puft ass dance had played such a prominent role, and demanded that her breasts be put on display. Ok, then.

Then all you have to do is display your veggie rice krispie treats proudly:

Or regard them pensively, as befits the last, best hope of earth:

And keep them away from open flames if you add that much vanilla.